Mama, Where'd Nana Go?
Or...Heartbreaking Daily Questions
For those of you who are parents or caregivers of small children or were in the past forgive me for what I am about to say.
My children are champion sleepers. We are talking gold metal good at it. The oldest sleep trained himself at 4 months, slept through the night at 6 months and likes to sleep in on weekends. If he woke up early he would read books to his stuffies and sing to himself until we came and got him up. Naps were his strong suit. 3 or 4 hours without it effecting his night time sleep. We’re talking the best sleep parents could hope for. Until, that is, about a month ago.
Before I go on I will add this disclaimer: not looking for advice. We’re talking to trusted grown ups and our pediatrician.
4 things happened in February 2024: he dropped his nap, stopped sleeping through the night, we got COVID, and my mom died. They all happened right around the same time. It wasn’t the best month ever. It is actually like the worst month ever.
He wasn’t in the house when my dad died. Everyone was together for dinner, he kissed grandpa goodbye and then, when they came back the next day, he was gone. His body was gone. Levi walked in to the room we affectionately call “the death den” and said “Grandpa go bye bye” and went on his day. He was freshly turned 2 and didn’t have a sense of object permanence yet.
How he’s a big kid - 3.5 going on 16. He lived here and was in the house when she died. Her body was still here when he got up in the morning and went to school. If she can die while he is in the house sleeping in his crib then maybe his mama and dada can too. If she can be gone forever then maybe his mama and dad can too.
So tonight we all ate dinner talking about nana and death and fear. I held it together until after dinner, looking at her picture on the fridge. We talked about how cancer is a sickness and, thank the ever loving lord and knock on all the wood, no one else in our family has cancer. That we would be right next door and would see him in the morning. We set up a nightlight for the first time ever and talked about how it’s okay to miss nana, that we all miss nana, but that he doesn’t have anything to be afraid of. That mama and dada are here and love him madly. She loved him madly. She loved all of us madly. So as I said goodnight and he said “goodnight, i love you, bye” I could hear my mom saying, as she said to me just about every night for a year and a half, “goodnight sweetie pie, thanks for everything.”
If you are reading this at night send out a little prayer for solid sleep for all parents of young children.
Tune in next time to find out what happened with UCSF and the trial. Spoiler alert: it was great until it wasn’t.
